Now, just for a moment, can you recall the last time a conversation ended up more like a battle? If you leaned in during that, it would likely be to pose a threat.
Which one did you prefer? Duh.
The objective of a Yes Set is to allow a communication to take place that lets the drawbridge down -- creates connection. A Yes Set is a learned pattern of communication. Weird at first, but soon it starts to feel natural.
Did you ever say “There you go!” when handing something to someone? It means nothing, but try to stop saying it! It’s just another learned pattern of communication.
Children love it when adults treat them this way. They won't see anything suspicious. It feels natural to them to be enthusiastic and amazed by every little thing.
A Yes Set helps a person who is saying no but really wants to say yes. They’re just stuck on the no channel. You won’t have much success with this method if you’re trying to get a sixty something widow to invest in rock climbing gear, for example.
There are a few simple rules You can get by with two.
Rule number one: Avoid making statements that can be contradicted.
Rule number two: Make exclamations of surprise or disbelief. That’s a form of saying no. (As in, “No Way!”) And when you say no, it means the other person is relieved of that responsibility. (What’s the automatic response to “No Way”? Correct; it’s “Way!” Has to be.)
Here’s an example of a No Set (bound to generate defiance). Notice that the mother is stating her wishes as questions. Even a young child gets the manipulation of this.
Mom: Would you like to go to bed now?
Mom: Aren’t you getting sleepy?
Mom: It’s already 11. Don’t you have to get up early tomorrow?
Kid: I don’t care.
Mom: Well, won’t you be tired at school?
Mom: If you don’t get enough sleep, how will you concentrate?
Kid: I’ve got it handled. (Walks out.)
And here’s what wasn’t said, but what was meant and understood:
Here’s a Yes Set (this is what to say):
Mom: Hey, you’re on the internet! Are you taking a break, or done studying?
Mom: Really! Impressive. It took you less than 3 hours?
Mom: No! Less than 2 hours! I don’t think I could have done that. Did you say the test is tomorrow morning?
Mom: It’s already 11. Did you say you have to get up early tomorrow?
Mom: Then do you think you may want to go to bed soon?
Mom: Good decision. Sleep well.
When mom says: “Then do you think you may want to go to bed soon?" It asks: “What do you think about this?” “What do you want?” "Soon" gives the child's mind time to switch modes. There's respect in it. (It's also a hypnotic command.)
So now you can have fun getting happier responses from your children and the kids that live in us as adults.